Friday, 12 October 2012

Police Story

I left the Brudenell Social Club at around 11pm on Saturday the 6th of October with the intention of catching the 11.35pm train back to Manchester Piccadilly. I was cutting it fine, and ran into the station singing a song that summed up my situation, "Enough Time" the last song from the Stranglers' apocalyptic "Black and White" album. The exact words I sang were: "Have you got enough time? What when your face falls apart? Have you got enough time?"

This caused excitement and consternation for police officer number 6921, a slightly overweight man of Asian descent, who pursued me requesting that I stop and be told the error of my ways. When he caught up just before I got to the platform, I refused as I did not wish to miss my train and explained that it would be quite reasonable for him to walk very fast alongside me to deliver his words of wisdom. He instantly lied, informing me that I had been swearing on the station concourse and that children might have heard me and been shocked to the core of their being. As we all know children in Leeds like hanging around the station until midnight to prove that they won't turn into pumpkins. Even though they all swear like builders in the primary school playgrounds, it seemed to be the view of this defender of their morals that hearing a Stranglers song sung loud with no swearing would be a disaster for them worse than the end of all things.

The time wasting fool made me miss my train so after a quick piss in a generic chain pub that was closing at midnight I went in search of him to write down his number, so that I could complain about his trivial harrassment. Before finding him I took the opportunity to count all the children on the station, There were precisely zero. When I found him I requested that he repeat the words that had so offended him. He got very indignant at this and spluttered, " I don't see why I have to do that!" so I told him I didn't see why I had to bother talking to him anymore as I had his number. At this point a colleague of his, number 9226, started to get in on the lying act, claiming vociferously that I had been hanging around the station all evening. I would therefore like anyone who saw me at the Nomeansno gig to get in touch and verify my whereabouts that evening. I think I'll be able to rustle up a hell of a lot more witnesses than he can! I feel I should now pursue a complaint even if just for sheer comedy value. They wasted my time. So now I will try to waste theirs.

Ironically, since the next train was due at 2.26am, I was forced by the actions of 6921 to hang around for over two hours on the station and was therefore at risk of upsetting 9926 who loitered a while in my vicinity making notes as I listened to the radio and made some notes of my own. Several groups of very rowdy drunkards shouted their way across the concourse as I waited, but the police did nothing to stop them. Perhaps by this time of the evening they had found themsleves too understaffed due to the Tory scum austerity con (a scam on the poor to keep their paymasters the bankers rich).

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