How Not to Behave at a Low Concert in a Cathedral

“Oh no! We’re stood behind the most annoying man in the room!” said my friend after a couple of Low songs. “Just so long as he doesn’t sing along out of tune anymore it should be alright,” I replied, loud enough for the annoying man to hear. As well as humming out of tune, this oaf was wobbling from foot to foot getting in other people’s space around him, but not so much as to be more than a minor irritant. Much more annoying was his stupid habit of whooping like a girl at a Beatles gig during quiet parts of almost every song Low played, whilst EVERYONE else in the cathedral was respectfully silent. He was also so insecure he needed to keep babbling at his partner how fantastic and amazing Low were, in case maybe she might evaporate if he didn’t stop yacking at her. Of course being a boorish oaf he mostly did this in the quiet parts of the songs. I think it was during the quiet start of “Nothing but Heart” that I’d finally had enough and started hissing “Shut up!” at him. Next song he completely ruined the quiet build up by babbling words of praise during every gap between notes and I turned and told him to shut the fuck up. His partner told me not to be aggressive as he got all macho and started babbling, “What’s your problem? What’s your problem?” I’d just told the fool so I just made a shush gesture as he started disturbing EVERYONE else’s enjoyment of Low even more by babbling that I was “ridiculous” and “a cunt.” I turned away and ignored him, but between songs he started up again trying to pick a fight. His partner got between him and me and I turned my back and ignored the pillock. She told me I should move away. That wouldn’t have worked as he was shrieking so loud I’m sure everyone at the front could hear. What the hell is wrong with waiting until BETWEEN the songs to do this? No one else in the whole cathedral felt the need to behave in such an inconsiderate and moronic manner. “He’s enjoying himself,” she explained as if it was somehow impossible for this total arsehole to enjoy himself without whooping like a little girl on a swing. Then she tried a pathetic bit of emotional blackmail: “A friend of his who liked Low died recently!” So that meant I should put up with him spoiling the atmosphere with his bad manners? I hope he learned to appreciate live music without shrieking at the band, as I didn’t hear any more of his whooping during songs. I spotted a few people leaving near the front and took their place away from the whooping arsehole. Unaware of all this Alan Sparhawk told us towards the end that the previous night in Bristol there had been a fight down the front near bassist Steve Garrington. It wouldn’t surprise me at all if it was just one insecure macho prick who was making too much noise or shoving people and was told to stop who started it. If you are at a gig and you won’t shut up when asked to and try to start a fight over it then you are a grade A arsehole. I suppose I could have been more polite but that jerk had been annoying for most of the gig, whilst EVERYONE else nearby had been content to listen and show their appreciation BETWEEN songs. When Low finished with “Murderer” I couldn’t help thinking it would be nice to have a murderer finish off people who ruin quiet gigs by talking, whooping and being incapable of silent listening. Another top tip: if you’re going to piss off someone at a gig, try to make sure it isn’t someone who will write about it later. Better still have some consideration for everyone listening around you and respect for the artists and don’t ruin the music by babbling on during the songs. Talk and clap and whistle and shriek between the songs, unless you’re having a medical emergency.